This Is the Most Important Post You Will Ever Read

By the time you read this, I will be dead.

But please don’t let that deter you. Don’t reflect on it, thinking, “My God, how can he say something like that?” Just keep reading. It’s important that you do. It’s important that as many people as possible read this as soon as possible. That’s because what I’m about to relate to you is what they don’t want you to know, and they’ll do anything to stop you. But they can’t get us all.

The story begins when I came across an article written by the late John Hodgman, in which he exposes some secrets of Yale University. Many of them are unsurprising, such as that of the invention of the first submarine in the underwater canals or a school singing group stealing the crystal skull of Alexander Hamilton and presenting it to Dick Cavett when they were on his show in the 70s. These are fairly inconsequential, but one secret caught my eye. Mr. Hodgman has made me privy to the fact that Yale is the seat of the Secret World Government.

Now, I was obviously skeptical. I of course had no knowledge of this Secret World Government, the reason for this perhaps having to do with it’s secretive nature. The idea seemed ridiculous, but nevertheless I unconsciously began to keep my eyes peeled for any totalitarian activity.

It was a few months later when I ventured to the city of Orlando on holiday. Orlando is a city I’ve visited before, and have never ceased to be amazed by its unrivalled juxtaposition of family-friendliness and a godforsaken sense of being lost in nightmarish hellscape filled with gaudy gift shops on every block. I never realized this before reading Hodgman’s work, but such a dizzying and disorienting locale serves as a perfect place to run a secret organization, such as the Secret World Government, secretly, and keep it secret.

This thought occurred to me for the first time as I approached the world’s largest facility for keeping aquatic creatures on dry land, just so Man can to stick it to God, SeaWorld. However, being fairly uninterested in this prospect, I noticed something that most tourists don’t see as they’re waiting to take pictures of whales and walri.

It was a large black cube on the interstate. Or rather, that’s what it looked like. The sign near the roof called it the Harcourt Brace building, but that sign’s a liar. It stood, an enormous cube covered from top to bottom in black plate glass, looming eerily over me. An ominous marker for what had to be ominous goings-on inside.

That’s when I understood--here is where it happens! It all makes sense! Hodgman had revealed the Secret World Government, and Yale was no longer safe! Where would be the safest place to relocate such a large-scale operation without anyone noticing? Orlando was the obvious answer. After all, who could find a secret political body in a city in which one can be inside Disney World without even knowing it? The place is a war zone: Disney and Universal are rocked every night by explosions.

But who’s behind it? Who’s pulling the strings? Certainly we could say that it’s healthy competition, but only a child could be so naïve. In all actuality, the war between Disney and Universal is nothing but a smokescreen. It all looks real enough--Disney owns this town, controls everything, and siphons dollars right out of people’s pockets. When Universal tries to move in on Disney turf, Disney does what it has to do in order to hold on to rub out the little guy. The result is a war, complete with whackings and bribes, right in front of the cops, the D.A., the courts, the judges, and city officials. That’s power you can’t buy.

But that ain’t how it really goes. The truth is that Disney and Universal are both being run by the Secret World Government. As for the law in this town, there’s very little bribery going on. That’s because the city government’s just a front anyway. There’s only the secret world one. And it operates out of SeaWorld.

When people think of the tourist spots in Orlando, Disney and Universal always, always spring to mind before SeaWorld. Poor little SeaWorld, right? Wrong. In reality that’s just the way they want it, keeping a low profile to run the world while the world looks the other way. Disney may own this town, but SeaWorld pays it. Disney is just the Falcone to SeaWorld’s Ra’s al Ghul. As for Universal, it’s obviously not the Rebel Alliance to fight the Galactic Empire, as it would have you believe. It was actually put together by Paul Lynde, commissioned by SeaWorld to stir up trouble. And boy, did he ever.

All this occurred to me as I sat in Shamu Stadium, watching the whales do tricks. That’s when it hit me--who’s doing tricks? As I saw a whale and a girl swim side by side, one lifting the other in the air, I contemplated if the girl had trained the whale, or if the whale had trained the girl. After all, the girl’s livelihood depends on the whale’s cooperation. Who’s really in charge here?

Why does a dog wag it’s tail? Because the dog is smarter than the tail. If it were the other way around, the tail would wag the dog.

Wag the dog, indeed.

I have to wrap this up, as it’s late, and they’ll be coming for me soon. Make as many copies of this as you can. Tell as many people as will listen, and tell the ones who won’t as well, if for no other reason to just piss them off because they wouldn’t listen to you. The fate of the world hangs in the balance. Shamu must be stopped. He’s nothing but a large, aquatic Stalin, sans-moustache. This is the most important thing you will ever do. You are part of the biggest event in human history. My only regret is that I will not be around to see what happens.

I love you all.