Life is precious. It really is, especially when another life is known intimately and closely. Then, life becomes absolutely priceless. Or so we are told. Unfortunately, everything in a capitalist society such as ours comes with a price tag attached, and the human life is no different. In an age where the cost of everything, its worth to the world and to the owner especially mean more than the actual contents of the building, the human body seems paltry compared to the pricing of things like Westminster Palace or the contents of the palaces of St. Petersburg; however, the human body has some of the most interesting methods of determine its worth to the world.
First would be the simple pricing done by
life insurance for amount payed to recipients of the policy. This is perhaps the most common payment form available to the average person, and the pricing is based on a wide variety of information and facts. For instance, was the person in question the primary caregiver to any children, if there were any to begin with? Was this person an active member of the community? Was this person a living petri dish of SARS, AIDS, ebola, polio, antibiotic-resistant strains of bacterium, and so forth? Or was the person clean as a whistle except for those nasty cold sores that they claimed were not THAT kind of herpes (And why shouldn't we trust them)? Basically, the value of the person is made by comparing the impact that their absence would have on the immediate community to their believed worth. Now, this is fine and good for fiscal recovery following the death of said person, but it completely falls short when trying to determine what kind of life they lived in the here-and-now.
So, let's try and figure out how much the human body is in terms of
chemistry! After all, the human body is nothing more than a collection of atoms at its very basic form. So, let's examine the basic elements of the human body. Carbon, seeing as we're organic. Calcium, with those bones and whatnot. Iron, in our blood. Oxygen. Nitrogen. Hydrogen. Trace amounts of uranium from failed Soviet nuclear-power satellite's reentering the atmosphere and depositing their nuclear fuel across North America. For added measure to boost both our worth and throw in some really freakin' cool elements let's say the human body also contains selenium, einsteinium, mendelevium, hitlerium (139 on the chart), magnesium, manganese, aluminum, platinum, gold, silver (these last three are important for our friends from Detroit), potassium, all the noble gases, all the alkalines, and for good measure let's double the dosage of uranium. This all adds up to something. What it is, I know not. NASA does, as does the NSA. But not I. Strike two.
This is where a more
utilitarian means of measuring what someone's life is worth. I say utilitarian because it sounds good, not because I care to use the word in its correct usage. This is the blogosphere, it's all about
appearing to be intelligent. To recover from that digression, the second way of evaluating what a man's worth is is by measuring what they contribute to society versus what they detract or draw out of it. In the welfare state of post-scarcity models, it becomes incredibly easy to do this. Does the person in question give more to the state and the people than he takes away? To add a good degree of fairness to this, is he or she of the capability to actually contribute more than take or is he and/or she in a position where they truly need the state to meet the basic needs of survival? So, using this criteria every single American is worth less than shit, seeing as our government is in debt, social security is in trouble, medicare can't ever stand up on its own, and welfare is a joke at best. A new way to determine the way someone is worth something must be found!
Now, having failed in every other method thus far we have to come to a way to make a human being's worth not only estimate-able but also fair to all considering circumstances. Chemical worth is out. Fiscal contributions for impact on the community isn't good enough. Social contributions doesn't help much here. How can we find out the worth of a man?
UrineOf course, it's so goddamned simple. What better way to analyze the worth of a man than get some strange nurse-like people to analyze the liquid excrement you produce in order to determine your worth as a human being! Why didn't I think of it earlier! Urine holds all the answers to our quandary. Why, I bet that urine could tell us a lot about a person. Maybe there's an enzyme secreted that tells who a hard worker is, or a partial protein that can be used to determine who a lazy-ass, mullett-wearing, Skynard-loving, PBR-drinking, crusty backwoods retard is. Why, I bet urine is the only source of a new alternative energy source! That must be why they constantly try and get it from us when we apply for jobs, play on sports, and so forth.
God, I'm brilliant. Urine is the way to tell what a man is worth. I'm so glad the government realized this so long ago and decided to force us all to comply with it.
