The Single Greatest Threat to Ralph Lauren

For some time, there has been a feeling in the souls and minds of men that there is some other force at work in this world. Some kind of ethereal, evanescent presence that has a hand in all affairs mortal, transcending the very capacity of description, definition, nomenclature. Like dark matter, it is something that has its very existence defined by what it doesn't do rather than the physical characterstics it might have that we can observe, cold and mechanical from our scientific towers.

We were wrong.

Yes, there is a force at hand that is powerful and most often is the single greatest source of disorder and sower of discord in the known universe. The Greeks called him χάος, or Chaos. The Norse, the ultimate race of badasses this planet has known besides the 1980s American Gladiator cast, called him Ginnungagap, or the empty expanse without rule, rime, or reason between the primodial forces responsible for the creation of the world. I have a much different name for him, one without such overtures of awe and minute stature in comparison to this force.

I call him Aaron Walter, the biggest douche this universe has or ever will see.

And yes, that is taking into account the economy-sized douches at Sam's Club.

The evils of this one human being defy convention. That this much harm, pain, suffering, and malice can come from one singular being who has been immersed in the very moral fabric that had brought up most others to be sane, rational, loving beings is truly mind-blowing. Dwelling on what him such a huge fucking prick is pointless, though. What is important is to make yourself aware to his crimes, how horrible this human being (if he is indeed such) is. Thus, I give you part one of Aaron Walter's crimes against humanity and animals and inanimates and, oddly, himself. (tm)

• Perhaps the most startling thing is the mental handicap that Aaron Walter has. He is the sole known person afflicted with Aaron Walter's Syndrome, a mental state in which the higher cognitive functions are completely and totally inoperable unless Aaron undergoes near-constant anal stimulation. As in the case of most sort of stimuli that result in altered synaptic patterns, as his evil, evil brain becomes used to one level of stimulation, Aaron must then up the level of stimulation in order to become basically functional, not quite unlike a crack fiend choking on a fetid, crusty phallus just to get the fix he needs to regain what he experiences as normalcy. As a result of trying to up the ante on this stimulus problem for years on end, it's not uncommon to see Aaron bending over in the middle of the busier Little Rock thoroughfares in an attempt to swallow up a respectably-sized Vovlo with a lower-upper class family via his gaping anal orfice. It is estimated that this kind of sensation allows Aaron to have mental faculties approaching that of a shitty little kid with Downs.
• Aaron Walter went to Valapraiso. During his tenure there, various small animals were found in the surrounding area missing various body parts, a la Dahmer. Nothing was ever proved, but hey. I'm just bringin' up a pretty fuckin' interesting point, jackholes.
  
• It is now know as a fact that this insane, filthy degenerate is directly responsible for the innundation of New Orleans. In what some have come to call the createst display of solo-bachial tendencies since the "Gods of Rock threesome" (which consisted of a drunk Mick Jagger, a high David Bowie, and an Iggy Pop who needs no drugs simply because his life alone is that much of a drug), Aaron consumed every single fluid liter of Canadian whiskey, Scotch, single blend, mixed blend, rye, bourbon, and painthinner masquerading as whiskey (I'm looking at you, James Foxx) in the matter of a few hours. The subsequent emptying of his Satanic bladder into Lake Ponchartrain created a wake so large and septic that the city was completely overwhelmed. The resulting media circus, taking advantage of a local thunderstorm with high wind speeds, was a carefully constructed ploy by the federal government to divert attention from the fact that the United States could be so easily overwhelmed by an individual who loves Phil Collins as much as this dirty dog-sodomizing whore does.
• All I'm saying is, it's a hell of a coincidence that Aaron has gone by the names Mark David Chapman, Phil Spector, John Wilkes Boothe, Lee Harvey Oswald and claims to have a time machine. Think about it.
• It is rumored that pregnant women spontaneously miscarry around Aaron. This explains the attrocious shape of the carpet in Dillard's Park Plaza, as well as the sudden disappearance of pregnant coworkers in the area. While never confirmed, the circumstancial evidence is so overwhleming in favor of proving this true that you would have to be as dumb as a pregnant woman hugging this sick bastard to think that it's a lie.
• Upon investigation of secret films taken by the Red Army immediately after the Chernobyl disaster, a dimunitive figure with an overly-pronounced widow's peak was seen sitting with a big ass package of TNT, smoking a cigar, and cackling maniacally like one of Satan's brides. Further analysis is available, but Aaron might be expecting a phone call from the governments of Belarus, Ukraine, and Russia. By "phone call", I mean crack special forces breaking into his place, kidnapping him, slaughtering his family after committing unspeakable sexual acts to them, and making him disappear into thin air. You may not want to screw with La Cosa Nostra but you sure as hell don't piss off Putin, you dumbass.
• He has been known to mix brown and black, eats disgusting cheese, and is a Cardinal's fan.