Serpentine Calculation

There is a fear currently gripping this nation, as well as most of the world, of a nuclear Iran. In fact, it is considered an issue with consequences and reprecussions so strong and awe-inspiring that the world is actually taking every step possible to avoid an armed confrontation instead of doing what we usually do (Proxy wars and unilateral invasions are our normal modus operandi). Despite this, it is publically known that an armed strike against the Islamic Republic's nuclear sites has not and will not be ruled out by the current administration nor any predecessor administrations. Yes, much talk is going around about a surgical airborne strike by either commandos or by stealth bombers of some sort. Maybe a mass rushing of fighter-bombers right over their targets. Maybe a B-52 flying over them with a lone Texan-esque character making the Final Ride in a Strangeloveian fashion. It is in these times that we forget the most potent weapon available to mankind.

See, the thing best suited to killing is something reptilian in nature. Cold-blooded. Methodical. Calculating. Instictive. Heat-seeing. Possibly poisonous. Possibly a constrictor. Brightly colored, or donning perfect naturl camoflauge. Titanic in scale with length larger than that of a man and weight more than a small horse, or so small and incognito that no one ever sees what it was that hit them. Silent and deadly, or hissing and loud to pysche out the opponent. Capable of stealthy escape in seconds flat, or holding their ground and inflicting fatal wounds in seconds. Yes, reptilian is an apt metaphor for the kind of cold-blooded killing machine necessary for such missions that require nerves of steel and a constantly flicking tongue.

In fact, the United States has in its past experimented not with instilling this values in its men in uniform, but rather putting uniforms on these things that embody these traits best. During the Great War, it was an alligator hailing from Louisiana that stored in the Red Baron's plane that finished him off. During the Revolutionary War, the famous Turtle was not so much a ingenious sub design so much as it was a powder-laden sea turtle. After attempting a brief tenure with mollusks and a botched under-the-table-bomb with a squid against Hitler, the United States renewed its reptillian agenda with new fervor, inflicting enormous casualties in North Africa by unveiling the simultaneous new tactics of carpet bombing and heavy usage of the spitting cobra bomb. It was during the Cold War that the Department of Defense (DoD) found the greatest reptile suited for the task. After a strategy meeting, the DoD found one reptile above all else was perfect for weaponization.

What was it that led to the downfall of man in the Garden of Eden according to lore?

What was it that killed Cleopatra?

What are poisonous, primitive creatures that slither and slide and frighten us to our core, making us pull our feet back in fear from under dark desks and away from the undersides of beds?

What was the Anaconda Plan, that infamous Union plan to destroy the Confederacy, named after?

What is the one and only goddamn thing that Indiana Jones is scared of?

SNAKES

Having decided on the weapon, there was still a question of delivery, with careful consideration for realistic limitations, cost vs. benefit, research and development, and so on and so forth. Looking at the vast American arsenal that lay before them, the DoD took into consideration intercontinetal ballistic missiles, sub-launched ballistic missiles, artillery shell delivery methods, amphibious ship delivery, and even inserting snake "sleeper cells" deep into Soviet territory that only required an encoded message to go from incongruous Soviet ctizens to insane killing machines (In fact, there are still some of these cells waiting for the code word in the zoos of Moscow, St. Petersburg, Kiev, Odessa, and Minsk, relics of a bygone time). After much deliberation, the delivery platform was decided upon as well.

What was the vehicle that allowed the Pearl Harbor attacks to be so successful?

What also allowed the bombings of London, Dreisedn, Berlin, Tokyo, Hiroshima, and Nagasaki possible?

What vehicle did Tom Clancy use to destroy a joint session of Congress in his book Debt of Honor?

What started the War on Terror?

What did Americans invent before anyone else could?

PLANES

So, what is the most terrifying weapons that this world has ever seen? A weapon so frightning and awe-inspiring that calling it Biblical would be an understatement? A weapons system so fear-inspiring that it would have even more of a deterrent capability than our aging nuclear arsenal?

SNAKES ON A PLANE.

Allahu ackbar.