In Praise of Longshanks

What else can one say for Wales besides it has geographical situation in the British Isles analogous to an appendix?

Well, as my good friend Eric Turner describes it, "The Welsh are Irish who couldnt swim and have the first known language created by bashing a keyboard." I'll come back to the keyboard thing later, I want to talk about Wales proper. With such scenic names for hamlets like Gorsafawddacha'idraigodanheddogleddollônpenrhynareurdraethceredigion and Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, who wouldn't want to visit one of the constiuent nations in the United Kingdom, one that can lay claim to such national treasures as the flocks of sheep that roam the rocky hills and barrows of the principality?

Simply put, Wales is insane. I mean it in every sense of the word. One need only to look at the two town names listed above to realize this in a superficial manner, but a more in-depth discussion of Welsh history via their own language helps to convey this point more cloesly and in an indsiputable manner:

'r Cymraeg , cara odiaeth Celtic bobloedd , ca 'n hwy hanes 'n reddfol i mewn 'n hwy 'n arddun caerau chan haggus a fawn. 'r Cymraeg made enw achos themselves ar ôl yn adeiladu 'n hwy brifddinas caer chan Hagguspeatgerg , 'r 'n amlyca haggus a fawn caer y tu allan i chan Budapest , a gostega arferiadau hyn 'n organaidd ddefnyddiau i mewn adeiladaeth at hon iawn ddiwrnod. Rhywbryd am 'r chordda chan 'r calendr Cymru benderfynedig at arhosa yn bod fel gwareiddiad a jyst anhedda i lawr fel bagad chan dafad amaethwyr a jyst fel damweiniedig at areithia yr un dafodiaith. 'n hysbys chan 'r yn prifio bygwth chan 'r Saesneg , hynny Celts a could nofia did fel a 'n ddihangol at Eyre blwc arall ran gogledd a ymarferedig yn ergydio logs a yn llithro chlegrau ar draws hiâ blwc yn gwisgo kilts mewn gobeithia a 'r Saesneg would ca 'u fel bizzare a goresgyniad barnwyd 'n orffwyllog cystal ( 'n Anffodus achos 'r Albanwyr , 'n hwy herwhela chan yn taro feinedd b i mewn i feinedd dyllu lawer buarthau ar gerdded 18 adegau ar barnwyd esmwythyd fabolgamp at 'r Saesneg a 'n barod goresgynedig ). Bu yn ystod hon amsera 'r Cymraeg discovered baen 'n anllythrennog fel chrynswth. Hefyd , bu yn ystod hon amsera na Darwin a eiddo damcaniaeth involving filiwn epaod acha deipiedyddion came at 'r hystyriaeth chan 'r Cymraeg 130 blynedd ar ôl 'r chyhoeddiad chan Gwreiddyn chan Rhywogaeth yn ystod 'r ddyfodiad chan 'r Chyfrifiadur Heneiddia. Yn gobeithio at ddod hon damcaniaeth at test , arbenigwr banel chan simians aeddfedwyd a archebedig at chlepia i maes chyfres chan chymeriadau acha allweddell. Hun canlyniad was fel yn boddhau at barnwr a bu benderfynedig 'n hwy 'n gyfa 'n genedlaethol 'n ysgrifenedig dafodiaith. Fel , 'r yn clepian chan a syphillitic cynddeiriogedig epa ag 'n dlawd eyesight a a 'n anaelau chyflwr chan chynddaredd 'n droëdig i mewn i 'r 'n genedlaethol dafodiaith chan Cymru.

In simple, basic, God-bless-Edward I-for-conquering-them English, it goes something like this:

The Welsh, like most Celtic peoples, have their history rooted in their beautiful cities of haggus and peat. The Welsh made a name for themselves after constructing their capital city of Hagguspeatgerg, the most famous haggus and peat city outside of Budapest, which still uses these organic materials in construction to this very day. Sometime around the turn of the calendar Wales decided to stop existing as a civilization and just settle down as a bunch of sheep farmers who just so happened to speak the same language. Aware of the growing threat of the English, those Celts who could swim did so and escaped to Eyre while other ran north and practiced throwing logs and sliding rocks across ice while wearing kilts in a hope that the English would find them so bizzare that invasion was deemed insane as well (Unfortunately for the Scots, their game of hitting a small ball into a small hole many yards away 18 times over was deemed a luxury sport by the English who promptly invaded).

It was during this time the Welsh discovered they were illiterate as a whole. Also, it was during this time than Darwin and his theory involving a million monkeys on typewriters came to the attention of the Welsh 130 years after the publication of Origin of Species during the advent of the Computer Age. Hoping to put this theory to test, an expert panel of simians was gathered and ordered to bang out a series of characters on a keyboard. One result was so pleasing to a judge that it was decided their entire national written language. Thus, the banging of a syphillitic enraged monkey with poor eyesight and a fatal case of rabies turned into the national language of Wales.

Yes, Wales will always be an oddity in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and North Ireland. Even when compared to the kilt-wearing, haggus-eating, log-throwing, bagpipe-playing Scots, Wales still comes in at number one for stranges principality in the UK simply out of virtue of one of the most insane languages ever seen in the Latin alphabet. Even Serbian and Bosnian looks great in Latin compared to that mess. There's a reason they have no representation in the Union Jack. Now you know why.