Seger your Irons
The best fucking action movie ever made is Die Hard With a Vengeance. Argue this with me and you have yourself a date with the business end of my cricket bat.
What makes this movie so good; nay, PERFECT? Is it the solid plot filled with twists that never cease to entertain or become tepid? Is it the incessant playing of "Johnnie Comes Marching Home"? Is it the complexity of which the characters of the film dance about each other passing like two really loud, jet-powered, gun-toting trains in the night? Is it Samuel L Jackson playing Samuel L Jackson, or for that matter that his character is named "Zeus"? Is it the trademark "Yippee-kai-yay, motherfucker" that McClane delivers so smoothly? Is it that Die Hard With a Vengeance might just be the most fun movie ever made?
No. It's Jeremy Irons, the most famous of those guys. You know, those guys that show up everywhere but no one knows except either the most die-hard fans or those sad people who devote their lives to celebrity news. His character, a royally pissed of Eastern European mercenary or some kind of German migraine-stricken Riddler or who the hell knows. All that matters is that Mr. Irons has the most awesome German-esque accent ever, and he bombs New York like Belfast in the 1970s. Little boom here, little blast here. Whoops, there goes a train. Oopsie, sank a ship in New York harbor. Uh oh, I opened the movie blowing up a back-to-school sale on the Upper East Side (Why in the hell does the Upper East Side have a back-to-school sale? Shouldn't it be a back-to-Juliard sale?)
What it comes down to though is that Monsieur Irons is one of the greatest actors that is one of those guys. Those guys are everywhere. You know them. You've said it before "Hey, it's that guy! The guy from [movie name]!" These guys are the glue of Hollywood. The give us some of the most memorable roles in Hollywood without sucking huge paychecks out of studios or acting like little attention whores. Some of the most famous those guys are that guy who plays the sergeants in movies like Saving Private Ryan, Black Hawk Down, and Pearl Harbor. Then, there's that guy that always gets the role of the freaky friend like in You, Me, and Dupree and The 40 Year-Old Virgin. Some of the most famous actors today were at one time those guys. James Earl Jones was that guy in Dr. Strangelove: Or, How I yadda yadda yadda. Once upon a time, Benicio del Toro was a unintelligible gangster in The Usual Suspects and a dog-kid-thing in one of those PeeWee movies. Speaking of PeeWee, anyone remember Laurence Fishburne being the cowboy on "PeeWee's Playhouse," or that kid who blasted the shit out of that boat in Apocalypse: Now!? (I hate punctuating sentences that end with that movie)
My point is this. His Highness, Jeremy Irons, is the perfect example of the virtue of a mediocre career. Let me clarify what I want to say before some random Jeremy Irons fan decides to crucify me. Jeremy Irons is a terrific actor, and does some of the most influential behind-the-scenes work in both Hollywood and in the music industry. He is a hard-working man who masters all set before him and has been spared the ceaseless Sauron-like eye of the paparazzi and fans that, while claiming to adore him, would like more than anything to see him fuck up and give him holy hell for it until the day he died.
I'm talking about you, David I-don't-have-a-real-career-not-since-Chris-Farley-died Spade.
In a way, Jeremy Irons has won. He has the respect of audiences and directors. He has cash. He could get chicks from every corner of the world if he weren't so freaking intimidating with that gravelly voice, and that includes those chicks who put big rocks in their lip and those chicks who wrestle alligators about a mile from my house. This virtue in mediocrity in turn brings me to Bob Seger.
When I say "rock" some of you will think of a sedimentary, igneous, or metamorphic geological feature. This means you have you been homeschooled and were forced to be locked in a closet with a huge, freaky picture of Jesus. Logic dictates that if you are attempting to break out of your holy shell, you should first begin the sad process of resocialization with something only marginally Satanic. Like "Sesame Street." Bert and Ernie's insinuated buggery is much less damaging to your psyche than anything I will ever write. Also, try and figure out what's up with Grover. Get your priorities in line, kid. Come read this in 10 years, maybe.
For the rest of you, you think of God's gift to white men who are desperate to point at a music that sounds nothing like stuff that permeates African-American culture and scream "YOU SEE! THAT SOUNDS NOTHING LIKE ELVIS! WE DIDN'T STEAL A SINGLE BLESSED THING!" When said thing is spake, other names come to mind besides Bob Seger. You think of Aerosmith. The Rolling Stones. AC/DC. Eric Clapton. Led Zeppelin. Neil Young. KISS. Blue Oyster Cult? BTO, maybe? Ratt, Poison, or Quiet Riot? Hell, no one listens to those guys. Who am I kidding, this list is dead. You guys get the point. You will be hard pressed to find ANYONE who screams "BOB SEGER!" when prompted to name a rock artist.
Once again, the virtue of mediocrity.
Bob Seger is, by no means, any inventive artist. He will not have the idiotic, drooling, blind hipster crowds itching for his latest release like RISDI students do for Radiohead, which is not entirely unlike what underaged girls do right before turning a trick for a hit of crack. He will not have the raving masses screaming for him to do a reunion with the Silver Bullet Band like what happens on a Page/Plant reunion tour, or Pink Floyd at Live 8 (Did you catch that? IT WAS AWESOME). When it comes down to it, Bob Seger has been bypassed by bands that are better at showmanship than they are at rock.
Not so with Mr. Seger. The man has a voice that was made for rock. He is the musical equivalent to Emperor Jeremy Irons. His voice sounds like it was born to a mother named Eternal Heartbreak and Anguish and a father named Jack Daniels, but not Jack Daniel Henderson. He has the best freaking rock voice ever and he has been passed over for Axl freakin' Rose, the only man who has the money he has yet still chooses to look like a carnie.
Bob Seger and Jeremy Irons are my exemplars. I would love to have that life where I do well, get moderate reception, but steer clear of the radar when it comes to catastrophic failure.
I could sleep well at night knowing that I am one of those guys.
addendum
I stand corrected...
(8:17:42 PM) DG: Bob Seger. Thoughts?
(8:18:03 PM) Eric Turner: is he still alive?
(8:18:06 PM) DG: Yes.
(8:18:20 PM) Eric Turner: then he rocks
What makes this movie so good; nay, PERFECT? Is it the solid plot filled with twists that never cease to entertain or become tepid? Is it the incessant playing of "Johnnie Comes Marching Home"? Is it the complexity of which the characters of the film dance about each other passing like two really loud, jet-powered, gun-toting trains in the night? Is it Samuel L Jackson playing Samuel L Jackson, or for that matter that his character is named "Zeus"? Is it the trademark "Yippee-kai-yay, motherfucker" that McClane delivers so smoothly? Is it that Die Hard With a Vengeance might just be the most fun movie ever made?
No. It's Jeremy Irons, the most famous of those guys. You know, those guys that show up everywhere but no one knows except either the most die-hard fans or those sad people who devote their lives to celebrity news. His character, a royally pissed of Eastern European mercenary or some kind of German migraine-stricken Riddler or who the hell knows. All that matters is that Mr. Irons has the most awesome German-esque accent ever, and he bombs New York like Belfast in the 1970s. Little boom here, little blast here. Whoops, there goes a train. Oopsie, sank a ship in New York harbor. Uh oh, I opened the movie blowing up a back-to-school sale on the Upper East Side (Why in the hell does the Upper East Side have a back-to-school sale? Shouldn't it be a back-to-Juliard sale?)
What it comes down to though is that Monsieur Irons is one of the greatest actors that is one of those guys. Those guys are everywhere. You know them. You've said it before "Hey, it's that guy! The guy from [movie name]!" These guys are the glue of Hollywood. The give us some of the most memorable roles in Hollywood without sucking huge paychecks out of studios or acting like little attention whores. Some of the most famous those guys are that guy who plays the sergeants in movies like Saving Private Ryan, Black Hawk Down, and Pearl Harbor. Then, there's that guy that always gets the role of the freaky friend like in You, Me, and Dupree and The 40 Year-Old Virgin. Some of the most famous actors today were at one time those guys. James Earl Jones was that guy in Dr. Strangelove: Or, How I yadda yadda yadda. Once upon a time, Benicio del Toro was a unintelligible gangster in The Usual Suspects and a dog-kid-thing in one of those PeeWee movies. Speaking of PeeWee, anyone remember Laurence Fishburne being the cowboy on "PeeWee's Playhouse," or that kid who blasted the shit out of that boat in Apocalypse: Now!? (I hate punctuating sentences that end with that movie)
My point is this. His Highness, Jeremy Irons, is the perfect example of the virtue of a mediocre career. Let me clarify what I want to say before some random Jeremy Irons fan decides to crucify me. Jeremy Irons is a terrific actor, and does some of the most influential behind-the-scenes work in both Hollywood and in the music industry. He is a hard-working man who masters all set before him and has been spared the ceaseless Sauron-like eye of the paparazzi and fans that, while claiming to adore him, would like more than anything to see him fuck up and give him holy hell for it until the day he died.
I'm talking about you, David I-don't-have-a-real-career-not-since-Chris-Farley-died Spade.
In a way, Jeremy Irons has won. He has the respect of audiences and directors. He has cash. He could get chicks from every corner of the world if he weren't so freaking intimidating with that gravelly voice, and that includes those chicks who put big rocks in their lip and those chicks who wrestle alligators about a mile from my house. This virtue in mediocrity in turn brings me to Bob Seger.
When I say "rock" some of you will think of a sedimentary, igneous, or metamorphic geological feature. This means you have you been homeschooled and were forced to be locked in a closet with a huge, freaky picture of Jesus. Logic dictates that if you are attempting to break out of your holy shell, you should first begin the sad process of resocialization with something only marginally Satanic. Like "Sesame Street." Bert and Ernie's insinuated buggery is much less damaging to your psyche than anything I will ever write. Also, try and figure out what's up with Grover. Get your priorities in line, kid. Come read this in 10 years, maybe.
For the rest of you, you think of God's gift to white men who are desperate to point at a music that sounds nothing like stuff that permeates African-American culture and scream "YOU SEE! THAT SOUNDS NOTHING LIKE ELVIS! WE DIDN'T STEAL A SINGLE BLESSED THING!" When said thing is spake, other names come to mind besides Bob Seger. You think of Aerosmith. The Rolling Stones. AC/DC. Eric Clapton. Led Zeppelin. Neil Young. KISS. Blue Oyster Cult? BTO, maybe? Ratt, Poison, or Quiet Riot? Hell, no one listens to those guys. Who am I kidding, this list is dead. You guys get the point. You will be hard pressed to find ANYONE who screams "BOB SEGER!" when prompted to name a rock artist.
Once again, the virtue of mediocrity.
Bob Seger is, by no means, any inventive artist. He will not have the idiotic, drooling, blind hipster crowds itching for his latest release like RISDI students do for Radiohead, which is not entirely unlike what underaged girls do right before turning a trick for a hit of crack. He will not have the raving masses screaming for him to do a reunion with the Silver Bullet Band like what happens on a Page/Plant reunion tour, or Pink Floyd at Live 8 (Did you catch that? IT WAS AWESOME). When it comes down to it, Bob Seger has been bypassed by bands that are better at showmanship than they are at rock.
Not so with Mr. Seger. The man has a voice that was made for rock. He is the musical equivalent to Emperor Jeremy Irons. His voice sounds like it was born to a mother named Eternal Heartbreak and Anguish and a father named Jack Daniels, but not Jack Daniel Henderson. He has the best freaking rock voice ever and he has been passed over for Axl freakin' Rose, the only man who has the money he has yet still chooses to look like a carnie.
Bob Seger and Jeremy Irons are my exemplars. I would love to have that life where I do well, get moderate reception, but steer clear of the radar when it comes to catastrophic failure.
I could sleep well at night knowing that I am one of those guys.
addendum
I stand corrected...
(8:17:42 PM) DG: Bob Seger. Thoughts?
(8:18:03 PM) Eric Turner: is he still alive?
(8:18:06 PM) DG: Yes.
(8:18:20 PM) Eric Turner: then he rocks
posted by .venganza. at
7:07 PM
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